i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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