My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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