You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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