i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
