I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you traded sex for a burrito?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
