her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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