god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
