Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
