swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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