I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
