there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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