Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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