Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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