whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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