every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
