Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We are all done wearing pants today
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
