why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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