I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
