her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
