I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
