we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
