I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
