is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
