when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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