OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize