Plan B is the new Plan A
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize