This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
