I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
