Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
