Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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