Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
