i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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