is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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