I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
