bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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