I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's shark week go big or go home
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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