i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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