im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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