Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
