New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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