if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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