I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
