We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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