Betty ford says i'm here all night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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