Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
