I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
