M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
