She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
