I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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