you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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