i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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