Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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