Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
