FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
