think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize