Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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