I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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