Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
