everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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