apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
