I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
