I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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