What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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