cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
