I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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