You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
