He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
