I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize