I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize